Heeding Haiku with HA: A Quiet Life My tanka was inspired by the video at our host’s site. I wrote one version in 5/7/5/7/7 and two shortened versions. Let me know which you like? Any critique welcome.
5/7/5/7/7
fallen rose petals
tattered journal of my life
stained with blood and tears
cold and alone I cry out
so lost among the shadows
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
shortened versions
petals fall
tattered journal
stained
alone I cry
lost in shadow
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
fallen petals
tattered existence
tear stained
alone and cold
lost among shadows
February 23, 2015 at 1:07 am
I like what you’ve done here — how to choose a “best” version though — hmmm…..
The first one reads most clearly — but I like the “snapshot” quality of the second one. But perhaps adding some formatting / punctuation would it read as smoothly as the first? Perhaps something like:
petals fall –
tattered journal
stained
alone I cry
lost in shadow
Perhaps that way you’d get both the snapshots and the story in one place? Does that make sense?
Just my opinion, for what it’s worth — because I’m learning the intricacies of tanka too. 🙂
You’ve put a lot of thought and work into this!
And the imagery — the tattered petals falling from the journal — it is beautiful and painful in the same moment. So– a wonderful response, Delores.
LikeLike
February 23, 2015 at 1:45 am
I like the punctuation and spacing. I usually add the spacing but unless I go into the html wordpress seems to delete it when save.
thanks for your insight.
LikeLike